Smiling Eyes

why did i have to lose everything i had and wanted. why did i have to throw it away and be left with the broken pieces of a once loved relationship. why cant i just do it all over again and show that im not the wrong one. i really wanna sit an type out every feeling so at the end of it i feel better and can sleep but in reality i know its a lost cause and i just let the tears well up and spill over as i type this pathetic excuse for why i am where i am. have you ever hated what looks back at you in the mirror more than anything else in this entire universe? i hope one day someones happy and im at the other end with nothing but regret and memories. because at this point i dont expect anything else.

I look around at the ashes of what once was and feel my heart throb against my ribs as my stomach knots in agony. All I want is to talk to you and smile and close my eyes until we go back to how it used to be. Amazing. That was me and you. And it went south. Because of me. I love you now more than ever. Fighting for what small hope there is that we will put this thing back together. I need you. I lose my breathe over you. Water leaks from my eyes. Throat gets a lump and oh how it sticks when I try to swallow it down. Every time we are so close to getting somewhere something happens and it puts us three steps backwards. And to you its a sign we shouldn’t be together, but I say nothing thats ever worth it is easy. And if you were easy, you wouldn’t be worth it. But you aren’t. Neither am I. Neither is this. Don’t you run away. Don’t you give up. I loved you in the light, ill love you in the dark. Im not gonna stop. Never gonna give up. Ill see you later on and ill ask you are, you’ll tell me fine. And ask how I am, then ill lie, and say ordinary, just an ordinary day. Because an ordinary day is a day spent loving you.

As I lay awake at night and look up at the stars glimmering in through my window, I ask myself where has the beauty gone? The beauty of my life is missing. No not missing. The beauty of my life is lost. Forced and pushed away involuntarily by my own heart, rejecting the warm love that was descending upon it. The beauty I had is irreplaceable and will never evaporate from my memory. I had it all. I was on top of the world. But once your on top of the world, looking around is pretty fucking scary. So scary I couldn’t handle it. Wishing I could take back every harsh syllable uttered her way. Begging for my mind to accept the repercussions of my actions. Longing so much just to be happy again. Loneliness replacing loveliness, its starting to feel like home again. Sitting on the outside looking in at what I let go. What I unknowingly shredded down to the last piece of both our hearts. I had a hundred million dollars and I burned it all, and now I want it back. But life doesn’t work like that. And if she’s gonna be happier out there without me in that rough lonely world, then I support her pursuit of happiness. Because as I continue to lay awake and wonder where the beauty is, I realize happiness is where the beauty is. If your happy, life’s full of color and joy. I chose to sit on the outside and watch the beauty around me. I’m not meant to have beauty, but I’m meant to help others find it. You live in color. I live in the dark.

I know its hard to give you everything you want from me, when im running on empty.

Its hard to be the type of guy I wanna be, cause what you want isnt me.

She’s sitting across the room from me, perched up on my bed writing her essays. Im sitting at my desk, glancing over from time to time. As I sit here and put off my readings for class, I focus my attention on her. I love her. Im in love with her. She’s my everything. What makes me happy and what can rip my heart out. Scared, that’s what I have always been. Scared I would end up out in the cold all alone. But now, now the cold doesn’t sound that bad as long as I got to spend even the tiniest portion of my life with her. I love her with everything I have. And for once. For once I know that the girl sitting across the room, the one that stole my heart and dances across my thoughts, I know that she deserves it and that she loves me too. So right now its just me and her, and I don’t want anything else, not for a very long long time. 

Ill find you one day. That one who never lets me go and always wants me. That girl who forever will think the world of me, to her I shine brighter than any star. Ill find that girl who feels that way forever, who loves me, all of me, even down to the last flaw. The hard part is finding one who you love that way too. There is only one out there, what if you never find her. Or she never finds you. Going through life forever on a search, only one can make you happy forever. And forevers a long time. My hearts got thorns and my veins are like vines, slowly suffocating the life out of a tree begging for light, out of my soul begging for love. Theres only one out there, so if you ever come across her, that girl who is just too good for you but loves you for some god blessed reason, whatever you do, don’t ever let her go.

I fall asleep thinking about you. lost in thought, wondering if i am the one that spends countless hours on your mind. me, iv always been alone. always. i liked it. wanted it that way. but now is so far from those distant days. its all you, and its all for you. everything i do. i cant eat. thoughts of you captivate everything i have. i sit outside at a table for two. but its set for one. me. directly across, a vacant lifeless chair rests. staring me in the face is what once was. and what will never be again. i cant sleep. dark circles follow beneath my eyes as i unconsciously gaze into the morning. another sleepless night. eyes dry, no more tears to give. i wander down the side walk, numb to those around me. the memory of your looking into my eyes, telling me you love me. telling me im all yours and your mine. and then the memory of my phone softly glowing at two in the morning, barely glimmering on my night stand. i knew it wasnt gonna be good. i should of never read it. just ran like i have from everything else in my life. just fucking run and never ever look back. but i didnt. i read it. more like an email than a text. all those pointless words that made the message hurt even more. two simple words would of summed up the whole message. its, over. i didnt need an explanation, especially not the bullshit one you gave me. i knew it was coming, i did. but when she left it didnt break my heart it broke my torso. but i had to pick my heart back off the floor and put it in my chest then. then. then i replied, the most honest heartfelt thing i could ever say to the girl who i loved greater than life its self. i pressed send. closed my eyes. raised my right hand, arm fully extended above my head, blackberry clinched tight. i looked at my feet and watched the first tear shed from you roll off my nose and splash at the ground. and then with everything i had i smashed that fucking phone telling myself to never look back. i destroyed the messenger and every ounce of emotion that the sender stole from me. and for thirty three seconds it worked. thirty three seconds you were gone from my mind. over. bye…but then the most painful, deep rooted, wave of emotion washed over me and i was all right back where i started. square one. losing. no, i already lost. and as i walk down the side walk in the morning sun, blind to everything not in my train wreck of a head, these are the only things that run on reply for an audience of one. trapped along with my heart in a place i never will be able to go…we were great together ya know, great. and as i continue walking, i try to tell myself that nothing in my stupid little life matters. but…but you matter. you do. oh so much. and i wonder if you knew i felt this way if it would matter, then i realized you have known since day once. and you still pushed, walked, and ran away.

I noticed her from across my crowded living room, there was a pre party to be had and you best believe we all were having it. Standing by the door she was, stunningly beautiful she was, that girl in the orange. From my couch I noticed her, to my feet quickly I rose, another drink needed, another drink to be had. I return with my fresh beverage to see her sitting next to where i was, that girl in the orange. I sauntered up and sat down next to her, orange beaming like sunlight through your window. I assume I introduced myself and talked like the blabbering idiot I am to the girl in the orange. Seeing quickly that i was striking out, i let it go with the girl in the orange, though she continued to be around as the night went on. I ended up saying dumb shit to her and really making her think i was a loser. God she was so beautiful that girl in the orange. At the end of the night i ended up going home with a different girl, and the girl in the orange ended up making out with my best friend. I never thought i would see that girl in the orange again. ever. months later i did. and then we fell in love. and then she fell right back out of it. and broke my heart.

The joy and emotional bliss that erupts the moment two lost, lonely  people find each other is like finding that one missing screw to hold everything together. often those two people will meet each other, but that moment lasts minutely as one realizes what their life entails and decides to leave the other person behind. the ora surrounding the two explodes with such force and color that no one see or realizes it happened. no one except the one left standing alone. its all in shambles at his feet. a sound, a faint pop, is barely herd by the very few that did hear it. no, it wasn’t your shoe. or your phone. it was  up there. far far away. in the sky. that sound, the little faint pop, was from up there. where somewhere far away a galaxy collapsed. a star died. someones sunshine will never brighten their day again.